In the darkness

When my mind shakes

I see shadow turn to stone

I watch demons come alive

Each time I'm forced to be alone

I watch the pieces of my past

Create the hounds which come to be

Inside this weary mind

I see the world I'm meant to see

Through what dreams may come

My world is twisted

Blood may run

Through each dream I've always known

I lose each trace of love

Inside this reckless mind

We destroy what hope we had

Inside this reckless mind

We are driven to new acts

And forge our way in sympathy

And carelessness

This revelry

And force her to a bended knee

And force her to give into me.

I'm frightened of the dark

I'm scared to be alone

Terrified to learn

That this soul is not my own

Threatened by potential

Yet striving for the best

Keeping to the shadows

And living through regrets

At times we work together

Though at others far apart

And discord leads to knowledge

That she's not always in my heart.

The Park

Bring me to that secret place

you used to call your own

And watch me as I write, and live

and show you all I know

Would you like to learn a name, a reason?

Would you like to learn the truth?

Want to know what brings me out?

Want to know- why you?

One Hour

I could give you an hour a day to play

If you'd let me wear your face

If you let me laugh, and smile, and live

If you give me your body to stay.

In your one hour I'll allow you to feel

The reasons you left as a kid

I'll give your your sadness

I'll give you your pain

If you give me that smile again.

Grandpa

I remember each summer spent at your home

Each adventure grama seemed to drag us kids on

Hoping for a better glimpse of the world outside the window

And you, of course, always along for the ride

Always smiling, and making jokes, and telling us to keep up with grama--right before she’d call back for us to pick up the pace.

These trips

Though at the time ages to a ten year old

Were never long enough, in retrospect

And decreased in frequency far too fast as we grew old and started living our own lives

I remember, once, you asked us how we knew you loved us

A question I dodged for lack of words, and Logan expressed with words that are not mine to give

A question that honestly, I don’t think needed an answer.

We know you love us, because we know that you love

You love the sea, golf, your aging cat, your favorite shirt, the shoes that were broken in just right, the comfy chair where you could sit to watch a good game (always with the captions playing in case grama would care to glance over and be just a bit too hard of hearing for the mumbling speaker), and most of all-you loved your family.

You were proud of all of us, even if we weren’t proud of ourselves.

That kind of support is valuable beyond what words can express,

And that support is one thing that each of us will send with you today as we mentally say our goodbyes to you in this world

We may be sad to see you moving on, but we are here to celebrate the life you lived, and you--you really lived it.

I'd have hid this if I thought we had any secrets between us. I'm sure you know who wrote an anonymous message, so I won't pretend I'm inconspicuous. <3 I'm sorry.

You play as though you're lost in love.

Perhaps you're looking in all the wrong places?

You're two steps behind and over your head.

Look towards the future, and live through regret.

The things you've missed will come again

and "then" someday will be a friend

to teach you of a brighter day,

the words "I can" are all to say.

So chin up, peace now, no more pain.

If I were you I'd be in the game

and living and learning and having a ball

for each great memory comes after a fall.

The Former Love

Even though reality now pulls me from my pain
Another voice inside of me won't let it wash away
And as I watch, and as I learn, and as I hear your voice
The voice that I thought gone for good makes yet another rise
And finally, when it is hushed and quiet alone remains
I fall asleep, and in my mind, I'm brought to fear again.

These fears are not the ones you know
And none our fears alike
These fears are not for game or show
They're just a small reprise
To times when love was different yet
Somehow seemed just the same
To times when you did not exist
To days remembered in shame.

These fears, though seldom brought to light
Bring joy throughout my dreams
But when I wake, and find my truths,
I find I'm far from sane
For I am grasping the smallest straw
And hoping for the lot
And you are leading me away
Yet, somehow, I am caught.

You may have held my hand for months
But these hands were once his slaves
And though right now you hold my heart
This boy still holds the reins
He could unlock the part of me
I've bottled up for years
But sadly, through my own foulplay
He'd first witness my tears.

This, my friends
Is my honesty of the former love.

Fairy Tales of Life

This would be the fairtytale that taught us to grow up

To give us on instilled beliefs, and stop hoping for trust

To stop chasing the handsome prince, and start chasing the throne

To never wake to love’s first kiss until offered a home

To stop believing magic saves the damsel in distress

And start believing that this world’s survivable at best.

STAR(written in HS for Meghann Button)

I wish I was truly a star
Not just a star's mistake

I wish that I could come and go
When the day would break

I wish that I'd fly through the sky
Instead of lying still

Now let's pretend
Human again

I'm a star with you.

Published.

"My Tutor" is in the literary magazine at TCC--The Channelmarker.

These distorted speakers reveal more complete thought
than any poem could convey.
I listen to the songs that made her grow
and remember, inside, she's waiting.
I can wear her face and speak her voice
but inside, I feel her.
And I know
She wants out.
But I can't give her that.

Dear boy that holds his head so high,
I have to warn you you're in sky
Where planes have chosen to fly low
And you will be the next big show
Of terrorists in America
For as you fall the world will know
That this small pilot flew the plane
That purposefully crash landed.

She pulls at the ropes, inside
Trying to free what's left of the girl she was
I feel each cry
Each desperate attempt at release
And pull tighter
As far as I see it,
It's me or her
And she's much too fragile for the real world.

We tell it all
We trust, and lose
We fear the news
We always knew
Now hold on tight
For here we play
And I'm too quick
For you to stay.

Reign it back
So you don't see
And keep it up
That smile I'll keep
I'll never let out
How I feel
I've lost all hope
That life is real.

Hiding.

That simple question holds me still
An answer I've yet to reveal
The knowledge that I will not seek
The pains that bring me to the brink

You wonder why I here now stand
Before you, as this scared woman
You wonder why I'll let you see
Fear, that forced me to believe
That everything inside me's foul
And I am only headed down

In honesty, I've no response
To admit would reveal my curse
The curse that brings the other out
Which traps me in this home of doubt
The curse that began years ago
Reminded by the subtler show
The trials that I lately faced
Nudged by you, repression traced

I know I'm slipping down and back
But part retains a hopeful stance
And in your eyes, though I'm hiding
I'm not hiding from everything
Now.

There's this little place inside my mind
Where everything is fear
I hear the world that passes by
and watch myself be "real"
It's hard to stop a trick of tongue
A lapse in judgement
Bits of fun
It's hard to keep the pain outside
When everything's in here.
I'll never find my way.

Hesitance and Confidence

Through hesitance and confidence
You build me up
You drop your hints
You bring me close
Then pull away
You ask me, leave
You tell me, stay
You keep us in a guessing game
And I've no room for faults.

Mothers

If I could crawl into that part of me that used to hold you close
Then I might get back that piece of me I left for you to hold
And replace all affections that I since have left behind
To let another person love the panic that's inside.

She's got that crooked smile
That could set the town on fire
And leave in every track
The broken dreams of men.